Homage to Art Linkletter

Back when I was a young'un, I used to love to watch Art Linkletter on television. I especially liked his show "Kids Say the Darndest Things." He would line up some six-year-olds on his stage and ask them a series of questions, then sit back and let them work their magic. The replies were often priceless.

Having been a parent for over 33 years now, I have collected my own personal batch of kids' sayings, and of course I feel compelled to share a few of them with you.

One night, coming home from a meeting of some sort with my son, who was five or six at the time, we came upon a very large June bug in the middle of my front porch, belly up. He has never been much of an insect fan, but he tapped this one with his toe for a moment, then muttered, "Dead beetle." Backing away, he shook his head, stared quietly at the bug for a moment, and commented, "Must be John Lennon."

I think I realized at that point that this kid would grow up to have a wicked sense of humor, and he has.

My daughter is still coming up with quotable comments, but my favorite of hers was one afternoon, when she was about three, and I was busy changing little brother on the sofa. She appeared out of the back of the house, marched up to where I was sitting, placed her hand sternly on my knee, and intoned, "It's all right, Mom, I cleaned up the whole bathroom."

To this day I have no idea what was cleaned up. A quick check of the bathroom revealed kind of a lot of suds in a few areas, but nothing disastrous.

A later favorite of hers was a Mothers' Day card from maybe 1996, with a note telling me that she knew I was the kind of mother who would understand even if she moved a trailer with her husband and their thirteen kids into my back yard for a while. It was a lovely thought, even if she vastly overestimated my tolerance level. Happily, she has produced neither the husband nor the thirteen children. Whew!

The one thing I would caution you about when it comes to kids and their phrases is that they will forever remember and repeat anything dicey you are in the habit of saying, especially in times of stress. It took weeks for me to talk both of them out of repeating what I called that other driver after he ran a stop sign and smashed my headlight.

Some friends of mine had a difficult time with their daughter not speaking. By the time she was two she had been to every available specialist, and still had not said a word. All they heard from the professionals was that all of the equipment was in working order; she was just taking her time using it.

Then one morning her Mom had her in the back car seat, driving down one of the busiest streets in Central Philadelphia, and stuck in a traffic jam. Mom was torn between chewing out the driver who had just cut her off, and sharing some spicey verbiage with the red light ahead that refused to change. Suddenly, from the back of the car, came this little tiny voice,

"Look at all the goddam cars!"

Up until that point, I guess nothing had been important enough to mention! Those of you whose children are so far very quiet, be careful what you wish for. This kid hasn't shut up since. The last I heard she was in law school.

Of course, kids are great at one particular thing - they can win your heart in a second with a few choice phrases. A few months ago I had a chance to get together with five of my nieces and the eight children (7 girls, one boy!) they had between them. Their ages are between eight months and nine years, but the majority are toddlers. As I was saying my goodbyes for the afternoon, one of them, a two-year-old, ran across the floor and threw her arms around my knees. Looking up at me, she burst out with a heartfelt, "I love you!"

There is nothing else to say.