What? Getting something for free that is newer than what I have now? Dread? I must have a screw loose somewhere, you might think. The dread comes not from what I have coming in the way of opportunity. It is solely because I will have to learn to use the darned thing.
Last year I got a similar message, and I went in to see what was available for me in the way of new and beautiful cell phones. Before I go too much further I need you to understand that I am not brand new to this portion of the electronics explosion. I have had portable phones since the early 1990's, when they were called "bag phones," weighed eight or nine pounds, and took up the same space in your car as a passenger.
I have had flip-phones, flat phones, and fancy phones. They have been delivered to me in blue, silver, multi-colors and black. I have avoided pink. I have taught my octogenarian parents how to use cell phones. My phones have been extremely complex in their capacity, and here is where the problem lies.
Last year when I went to get "upgraded," I was very clear in explaining to the clerk at the cell phone store what I did and did not want. My phone did not need to do the following:
A. Make movies
B. Take photographs. I have a very nice camera for those two items.
C. Translate what I say into fourteen different languages, including ancient Greek and Welsh. Almost everyone who speaks those is dead.
D. Automatically test my blood sugar. If I were diabetic I might appreciate this, but I am not.
E. Provide me with detailed road maps of the continent of Antarctica, in case I should want to go penguin filming, or something similar. I hate being cold.
F. Give me access to the fishing charts of the Atlantic seaboard. If I did fish, and I have not done so since I was 12, it would be in a lake or a stocked pond. I see no reason to go 15 miles off the coast of Newfoundland in search of the perfect tuna. My grocery store has them.
G. Access my email the second it is delivered to my inbox. I do not want to get all of my forwarded jokes dumped into my cell phone, which will alert me to their individual presence with an incredibly annoying ring tone. I wish to read them at my convenience and in silence, please!
H. Allow me to watch movies. Why anyone would grab the opportunity to view "Avatar" or "Midsummer Night's Dream" or any Bruce Willis classic on a 2" by 3" screen escapes me. I am a fan of Imax, not I-miniscule!
What I do want, ever so much, and what would make me happy, is the never-wavering capacity to make a phone call, from my phone to another phone. Don't tell me the subscriber I am trying to reach is being searched for. If it's my husband (and it usually is), he is probably playing a video game on his Blackberry, and you are allowed to interrupt that activity so he will receive the call! Needless to say, this capacity is not always available.
Oh, and quit telling me my new phone is free if I have to pay for it and wait 3 to 6 months for a gift card to come in the mail. If I have to pay for it, it is not free. The gift card is because of your guilt in charging me for all those $&*#&%!! applications I will never use, and is directly in proportion to the number of pages of directions I will have to decipher before getting to the incoming and outgoing calls. And by the way, I only need the book in one language.
Those of you whom I call regularly, you now know why you will not be hearing from me for the next few weeks. If you really need to talk, call me on my home phone. It never needs charging, and is always in the last place where I hung it up. It has a cord.
I love my old and trustworthy cell phone..do not ask me to trade it in..it does nothing but make phone calls..old like me...it is only turned on when I need to call someone...so don't try to call me...enjoyed your ramblings..enjoy your new phone!<3
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